What I Miss Most

People tend to ask, when you've been away for a long time, what do you miss? And of course, I miss my family, my friends, my parent's cooking... but other than that? Let's see.

• My library. It's true. I'm a nerd. But Panama doesn't have libraries, and how can you exist without libraries? Thankfully, I can get ebooks from my home library's website, but still. Phone does not equal library.

• Massages/Jin Shin Jyutsu (info). My mom does energy work, went to massage school, learned Himalayan salt stone massage.. not that I got that all the time... but really!

• Driving. Never thought I'd say this one. But I miss driving and being able to take a car from my home to get somewhere.

• Less personal anonymity. First of all, had a hell of a time trying to get my spellcheck to tell me how to spell that word. Since I write in both English and Español, my spellcheck will get confused as to what language I'm writing in, and sometimes tell me how to write things in the wrong language. Or with long words, it'll try to turn it into several smaller words, even though it completely doesn't make sense. What does "an amontonaban" mean?? At least Google has my back. Anyways, though, I like being in the middle-sized town of Gainesville, and Panama City is REALLY BIG and living here has made me realize that I'm not so much a city girl. I like when the whole community is a little bit closer together.

• More impersonal anonymity. I'm so white, here. And no, I'm not gonna talk racism here. The thing is, I stand out. And people assume I'm American. Which I am, but still. It drives me crazy when people (who can't really speak English), try to speak English with us, when we need the practice, and they can understand us in Spanish. Also, it just messes with my mind when I'm trying to understand their English and respond in Spanish. There's so people who are really good. But if we're in a grocery store? Can we just speak Spanish, please? Also, because I stand out so much, I need to be careful about what I wear and the stuff I'm carrying. And yeah, people will assume we're tourists.

• AC. Or rather, well-insulated houses. For 2 reasons. The first is obvious- it gets freakin hot here all year round and sometimes fans just don't feel like enough. And the other- I have a dust mite allergy and our house is on the street, so we have a LOT of dust coming in and while I'm not dying, it's definitely annoying to not be 100% sometimes. Plus, ya know, that's kinda how I got bronchitis a few months ago..

• Several foods that you can find, but aren't as convenient. Like strawberries, good (non fast food) burgers ('murica), good orange juice (so expensive here!).

• Going to concerts! It's a bit silly, but I haven't gone to a concert while I've been here and I can't wait to go to one when I get back! We tried to go to one here, but it got complicated and we couldn't figure out how to do it here, so it didn't end up happening. Darn.

• Working for my money. When in the US, I would babysit, work in the concession stands at Gator football games, work/volunteer at the library. And here, I am providing service, therefore, I'm not working. Also, Panama doesn't have a ton of jobs, so it wouldn't really be fair for me to take a job here when people the here need them more. And so I feel like I'm just constantly spending money every time I go the the grocery store or pay for the bus, and not earning it back. For someone who likes to earn and save (and then buy concert tickets usually), I feel like I'm just wasting money. Of course, I'm not. I really do need to spend money on food to live. In growing up, you just gotta get used to spending money. I'm not quite there yet. 

• But most of all, I miss being in a culture where I understand my place in it and know how I want to function within it. Which sounds weird. And also sounds totally the opposite of I-love-to-travel. But here's the thing, while I've been in Panama for only a bit over 6 months, I've been out of the US for around 9 months (minus 2 weeks). And the US sure does have it's problems, and you'll probably never find me singing "Proud to be American," but it is my home, and had been for the first 18 years of my life, and there are a lot of good things in that Country that make it worthy enough to be my home. Because even after 6 months here, I don't feel completely comfortable as a person in this society. And usually, you feel comfortable in your home society. And sometimes you find other societies that you fit in, but if you're in one that isn't a perfect fit, for a long time, well, you just start to recognize that you don't want to stay here for the rest of your life. I'd never been homesick before, but I think this is maybe what it's like.

I've always said, whether I end up spending the rest of my life in Gainesville, somewhere else in the US, or in a completely different country, I wouldn't mind it either way, because I appreciate all 3 options and am totally open to whichever of the 3 I might end up with. And Panama may not be my future ending-point, but I'm still glad for the time I am here. 11 weeks left!

See ya!

P. S. Return date is May 14th, so if anyone wants to hang in G-ville once I get back, there ya go. There's a date.